Today.. but more like yesterday...

I'm supposed to be blogging today about the wonderful, awesome, stupendous cheesecake I made.... : ( But I'm just not there right now. I've been day five on a sobriety cleanse and even with my meds I'm feeling in the dumps, anxious, deeply mournful... regretful, sorrowful.

However, my dear friends this IS too part of the process. Part of my journey... The RECOVERY part... is that I have to learn to feel. Because feeling is not something I am good at... I have a block of some sort, my heart is broken on a level that I can't even explain. I feel things on different days. Today it's the bottom of a very dark well. Re-Learning to feel things is a skill I must possess or something else will control me for the rest of my life. And I've been in the process of turning my life into a shithole for so long... it's gonna take a lot of time to put it back together. Put me back together, or more accurately... see what pieces are left, if they fit, or if they need to be scotch taped back together. Not sure...

But I've been listening to music today, which for the past ten years or so I have not been able to do unless drunk, I don't know why - I guess music just HURTS so much on the inside I can't enjoy it, or that I need to also RE-LEARN how. So I've been exposing myself to some of that.. isn't it funny how they call that "exposing and exposure" to do the things we are too afraid/depressed and to do, when all of our lives they have been telling us "Shhh, keep this a secret.... " - "Proper people don't do this... "..... and on and on...

I am about to take my dog for a W-A-L-K (shhhh, even if he hears me type the word he'll be up my ass). so... at least I did something good for someone else today.. : ) (and I am also happy to report... NO BIRTHDAYS WERE HARMED IN THE MAKING OF THIS WEEK)

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Bake The Pain Away

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